Second Half Start

So the second half of the semester has begun and I think that there might be a light at the end of the tunnel that I can kind of see if I squint really hard. Quals got done and turned in on Friday now I am just second guessing my knowledge and how I did on them, stupid office talk makes me question myself. Oh well, I did what I could at the time. I am completely stressed out about my methods class but know that I will get it done and it will be okay, I just have to keep at it.

KristinFriend is coming down tomorrow so the super clean is on. CharChar doesn't care much about my mess but I think that Kristin will. It looks like the library exploded on my kitchen table and in my guest room so I need to get that cleaned up. I just scrubbed my kitchen and did all of my dishes and now it is on to the bathroom then the other rooms, hopefully will get to the vacuuming tonight at well.

Speech retreat this weekend and I am excited. There is a surprise for the kids and I know that they will laugh and love it. More details after retreat since I don't know who all reads this anymore and I don't want to ruin the surprise.

Sickness is going around I am trying my hardest not to get it. So far, so good.

Talked to H.C. on the phone today. Okay so I called H.C. and talked to Margo. The old boss is doing well. I will hopefully make it back for grad. to catch up with her. She is fabulous! Also talked to Judy. I miss her. But she said that she will be a reference for me on my internship endeavors so that is good news.

Coaching today was FABULOUS! Just amazing work being done.

Okay, enough of a break, I need to get back to the cleaning game.

Early Morning Excitement

So yesterday I got question 2 done, as you can read from my last blog post. And then started work on question 1. Well I got tired and thought I would go to sleep. Well then I couldn't sleep and I got up and started reading some research for question 3. Finally at around 430am I finally went to bed. Well at like 530 I woke up to this god awful loud noise and I was so tired I couldn't figure out what it was. Like I turned my t.v. on and off like six times, turned off my alarm clock, etc. than I noticed that the sound was not coming from inside my apartment it was actually coming from the hall way and when I got near the door I could smell smoke really bad. So I threw on some clothes, shoes and parka and headed out with the rest of the building into the morning blizzard. Where I stood outside for at least an hour and all I was thinking was, what about Jezibell and fuck, my laptop is on my kitchen table, I hope that the sprinklers don't trun on and ruin my laptop and my quals work... finally I was let back inside and there was no damage to my apartment but it still smells like smoke really bad and I was pretty shaken up about it.

Happy day to me.

Qualifying Exam Procrastination

So this is how I procrastinate. I post pictures on my blog and I take showers. Whenever I have to work really long and hard on something I find myself showering like 4 times a day. Like when I am feeling a little unmotivated to finish, I take a shower. It is like I just woke up and it gets me started for at least the next 4 hours.

I am done with question 2. I think that it is pretty damn good. Now it is just question 1 and 3 that I have to deal with. Goal is to still have them done to turn by Friday when Kathy leaves. I can do, I just need to push on.

I have consumed so much coffee and Dr. Pepper today it is scary to think about. I don't want to think about it. But I am drinking a Dr. Pepper so it is hard not to. At my computer I am surrounded by 4 empty Dr. Pepper cans, 2 coffee cups, 4 empty packs, and 4 beer bottles (those are not from this round of studying). I think that I have a problem. I big problem. A caffeinated beverage problem. And I don't know what to do about it. The funny thing is that I am not even working at this computer, I am working on my laptop and that is at the kitchen table....hmmm.... Why is this room such a mess?? I don't know. Probably cause this is where I take my breaks. Internet is much easier to quit than t.v. so I don't let myself in my room or the living room where the t.v. is tempting.

Anyways, back at it. Question 1, you're mine....moowaahahahaha.

I wear my sunglasses at night....

This is how my birthday party evening ended. Yes, I did sing the song almost the whole way home...when I wasn't making obnoxious phone calls.

Peeps in attendance at my party...

Kathleen
Hillary and Jessica
Nadene and Lynn
Char and Anna
James and Kelly

Birthday Party Pics

Birthday Flowers.. they're pretty.
Birthday Teaching Outfit

Birthday Holly... I think that I am not sober in this picture.

Spring Break and Snow Storms...

Spring Break officially started on Friday and this NorthernPrincess could not be more excited. Granted spring break will not be spent lounging around just chillin' out but rather taking qualifying exams but still the thought of a week without school and only one thing to keep her busy makes the NorthernPrincess leap for joy.

It has been a long two weeks since the Princess has posted. Unfortunately, not much can be remembered about it, it was that busy. Lots of work on methods projects, lots of grading, lit. reviews, indepth interviews, and stress about quals and life has taken up most of this princess' time.

fortunately this NorthernPrincess did get to take a four day " I don't give a crap about school right now" break. Time was spent with loved ones for birthdays, dinner with good friends, getting to know new people, seeing my old team and BestFrienda in Wisconsin, getting snowed in in the cities because of 10 inches of snow, lazy snow day watching t.v. and reading for fun. I know it is unheard of as a student. It was a wonderful weekend but unfortunately the snow days kept the NorthernPrincess from getting started on Quals and so it will probably take the rest of the week out of commission for fun, but we will so how quickly the NorthernPrincess can get quality work done to allow for a little play time before school starts again on Monday.

So this NorthernPrincess it trying to keep positive and trying not to get stressed out about this Qual business. It will get done, it will be good, and I will be okay.

Love to all.

Another year older and a start to a new week...

So I am 23 now. I wish that I could say that I feel different, but I don't probably because instead of feeling sorry for myself because I am getting old, I went out and partied like a rock star. ( I have pictures, I just don't have time to get them posted right now.) The birthday party was good. People actually came out for it that was shocking, maybe I do have friends here...Or people just like an excuse to party, either way it was a good time. The night ended with me singing, "I wear my sunglasses at night..." Making a pizza and passing out with the hiccups. Very entertaining to Char and Anna who were staying with me.

I woke up on Friday with a headache and wondering where everyone was. I guess they all left me in my sleep, oh well. My birthday was spent stuffing folders for the High School tournament, then to Baker's Square for dinner and pie, then to an Ice Cream tasting party complete with birthday brownines (it was wonderful) then home to bed so that I could get up early for the tournament on Saturday.

The tournament went well. No problems, I am not a big fan of high school coaches though, they are all really really bitchy and mean. Saturday night I went up to the cities to chill with KristinFriend and to work on homework.

Sunday was homework and shopping and a Sunday night karaoke party with the OG crew, good times were had and much much Photo Hunt was played. Monday started with a headache and a late start which made me late for school and made me stress out a little bit, but the day ended fairly well with and extension on the two papers due next week and getting all of my homework and grading done before 1am.

Now it is off to bed so that I can wake up early to go and buy some hairspray (mine was left in Maplewood), to buy straight noodles and marshmallows (for class tomorrow night), and to actually make it to my office hours in time for the first time all semester thus far.

So it has been a busy yet interestingly fun last few days. and only one more until my school week is over.

This weekend up to Fargo for the VFL hope to see some of you there.

Love to all--NorthernPrincess

The week is over...kinda...

So today was my last official day that I have responsibilities at school. However, I have to go in tomorrow and teach Danielle's class because she has a conference thing, and since we are hosting a H.S. tournament this weekend I have to help out with all of that stuff. Even though Danielle, Jessica, Nicole and I worked on it for over 4 hours today...ugh. Oh well, it was a good time.

My birthday party is tomorrow night. I am pretty excited about it. It sounds like people actually want come....crazy huh. I will be having house guests so I need to seriously get things in order around here, especially the guest room/office, it is a disaster area and I don't really know what to do about it. Thus, I am blogging to avoid it. And doing laundry. it is a good time.

Anyways, I need to go and get at it or I won't be able to watch project runway tonight and that would make me sad since I missed it last week due to my drive to Nebraska.

Okay, I'm off.
Peace out ya'll.

Artic Tundra

Well, the NorthernPrincess has made it back to the frozen north and was welcomed with negitive numbers on the thermometer. Granted it is Feburary and should be expected but it is still not welcomed. The northernprincess is trying to write a paper before 11 and hopefully with get it done with ease. The new laptop is a valuable assest to the paper writing quest. With help of her new friend this hould happen quite nicely. 8am lecture this morning. Not fun for the nothernprincess whom is used to sleeping in on mondays. But she made it with like 2 minutes to spare before class started. Hopefully the rest of the day will go well.

Thanks to everyone in the south for the most fantastic birthday celebration. It was wonderful catching up with all of you again. Well, it is time to start writing.

Peace out, much love.

My Valentine

This little lady is my valentine. She heartfeltly woke with me this morning at 6:30 to help me study for my Psychology of Women test. Then as I burned my tongue on my coffee she meowed at me reminder her that I needed to check her water. And when I returned home this evening after a really crappy day, she meowed "I love you Mom" hopped on my lap and settled in. I love my Jezi-Bell.

Valentine's Day: Reflections

There have only been 2 years when I have actually had a Valentine. My first was with someone whom I still love, and we have an amazing friendship. My second was with someone who I loved very much at the time and now I wish was still a part of my life. But times change. People change. I feel that Valentine's Day is a day that is stupid. Why should one certain day be set aside to tell/show the ones in your life that you love them?

Maybe love is a making an unexpected visit, or getting someone their favorite coffee even though it isn't yours. Maybe love is just holding one another in the dark of night and confessing everything that you have never said before. Maybe love is just when you look at someone and know that without them your life would hold no meaning and not be a joyfully complicated as it is.

That is how I love. That is how my Valentine knows my love. Not because I went out and spent a bunch of money on things that will be forgotten within the next month. But sharing the simple parts of life with eachother. Love is hard. That is what I have learned these past 5 months. But I try to keep working at it. I try to be better. I try to be someone that can be loved.

Tonight I sat here trying to do my homework and thought of all the people in my life that I love. I wonder if they really know it. I wonder if I show it the way that I feel it. I wonder if I could do more... I just don't know what to do to show it. I hope that all of you reading this know that I love you. I hope that you know this without question. I hope that even though we may not be in constant contact you are still in my thoughts almost daily.

So even though the "day of love" is still 24 hours away, I love you. Happy Heart Day. My heart misses you. My heart wishes you were with me. My heart cried a little today without you. My heart, even though not shattered, is broken when we are not together. I wish I could express how sometimes my love. It is so overpowering that I feel like I could burst at any moment because I cannot find the words to tell you how much I Love You. My words, and actions are not enough sometimes.

I know that I am a hard person to love. So indecisive, mean, hard, shelled. But underneath it all I am just a simple girl wanting someone to love me, for who I am, what I am and what I dream to be.

The week is almost over...

Because I am a slacker and only have 2 classes and they are both on monday and tuesday, I am almost done with school for the week. Granted I have to still come in and coach tomorrow, but still not more class work. My goal for this week is to have everything done by Friday morning so that I can enjoy date night and get to go and see Darren on Sunday at Eau Claire. So that is the goal, I just pray that I can make it happen. Unfortunatly I have an 8 chapter test on tuesday next week so I need to spend quite a bit of time studying for that one.
The stress of dealing with a birthday away from home is just making me upset. I want to see my family and friends but there is no way that I can do that because of the tournament. It makes me sad, but I will hopefully be home for spring break so I can celebrate my birthday then. Yea! Anyways, I need to print off my students pop quiz for today and then head off to class. Post again soon, hopefully when something exciting happens.

Where has this day gone?

So it is almost 11pm Sunday night and I just realized that I haven't gotten all of my work done for class this week. Granted, I did finish most of my methods paper but have yet to complete my readings, or my psych paper, or my IRB proposal. What the crap did I do all day? I wish I had the answer, I blame the all day marathon of America's Next Top Model and What Not to Wear. Other than that I don't know what I did today. I did sort through some stuff that has been cluttering my kitchen table but that took like umm.... a half hour. So I am screwed. Oops. But hey I rested a lot. That's good enough for me.

Saturday night ponderings...

It is a Saturday night and I am home, alone sipping on a bottle of Yellow Tail Shiraz thinking about the past few whirlwindish weeks. For those of you who only keep up with my from my blog, I apologize because I have been busy and boring thus having nothing to post about.

I have decided to switch from the M.A. program here to the M.S. program. This decision came about in a way that was not the most pleasant nor non emotional. I had a slight breakdown and seriously contemplated not returning to school in the fall. Granted without education I am not sure what I am but I knew that I was absolutely unhappy with the direction I was going. Instead I went in a chatted it up with my advisor and we decided that maybe the thesis was not what I needed and instead the internship was more what I was looking for in a degree. Now don't get me wrong. I love teaching. I just know that I don't want to do anything more with it than public speaking thus not really finding a need for the entire PhD/teaching experience, I decided that the internship, M.S. is more what I am looking for in this field. It is the same amount of class work, but while everyone is working and fevering over their thesis' I will be going to work. Getting the hands-on experience that I crave.

So that is one thing that has been keeping me up at night. I have also been crazy with traveling this semester and coaching and trying to stay on top on my readings/papers/projects so that I don't have an opportunity to fall behind and stress myself out. This has been a very trying year thus far. I was hoping that I would be able to work some on my own stuff out but instead I find myself falling deeper into the dark hole of my self-deprecating mind and being unable to find the light at the tip, so far the light looks like a little pinprick. But I am working on it. I know that that sounds a little depressing and it is, I do not deny that I need to find my way back to my doctor and get a prescrip. update, but I want to try it on my own and so far it has not been working. I try, really really hard and all that seems to come of my self-sacrificing is hurt. I have tried to be what everyone here wants me to be and all I did was get burned by a very large bonfire in the process.

However, I know that there is nothing I can do to put out the fire. I can't find a bucket, or a hose for water. I just seem to let it burn and hopefully someway that fire will burnout on its own. So I walk away from that fire and pray that nobody else gets burned in the process.
I am not a bad person. I feel like I have the right intentions and when I ask for help it just tosses another log onto the already brightly burning fire. I do not claim nor have I ever claimed to be perfect, but cant we just roast some marshmallows and hot dogs until we are full and giddy with sugar and move on from all of this? I don't know what else to do. I don't even know if I have the energy to start. So fire, keep burning, until you find your way out.

My work as a coach has been delightfully rewarding these days. And my work as an instructor as well. I hope it continues in the right direction as a semester continues.

Well, Saturday night, I suppose it is time to get back to homework. Then maybe cleaning a little so that I can start rearranging my bedroom.

Have a beautiful day, and thanks for sticking this out with me.

Picture Updates...it's been awhile.

NorthernPrincess and Bestfrienda always match, even if they don't plan it. (New Year's Eve Eve party that ruined the real New Year's Eve.)
NorthernPrincess and KristinFriend rockin it out at the end of the semester party.
ooo baby. NorthernPrinces and baby chillin' at RubyTuesday. This NorthernPrincess has got to get her one of those.
NorthernPrincess and Brock at the Dirty O. There's always something dirty at the Dirty O, but it isn't us. We're HOTT, even if Brock is turning into a mountain man.

Another week has passed...

So it has been awhile since I have posted. I wish I could say that there has been tons of fun things happening, but there hasn't. I travelled last weekend to Iowa, we had a good time, picked up three more quals. First day of class was last tuesday. It was okay. I was sick and didn't really feel like teaching. Wednesday, Thursday and Friday were spent in bed sleeping. Yesterday sucked really really bad. I dropped a class, decided that grad school may not be the place for me, cried alot, felt stupid. Got evals back from last semester. Just an all around bad day. So I need to get ready to go to school because I have to finish my lesson plans for tonights class and finish up some reading for my psych of women class. So good bye all. Lets hope today is better than yesterday.

You know that feeling you get after you've spent a bunch of time with people and then you go home and you are alone and it feels kinda funny? I feel like that. Except I feel like even though I spent the last weekend surrounded in love, I still felt alone and scared. I don't know why. I don't understand it. Maybe it is the drugs from the cold, maybe it is the seriousness of the talks, maybe it is the contemplation of the future. I don't exactly know what it is all I know is that I am lonely and I have to go to school tomorrow and I can't hear out of my left ear, my syllabus is not done, nor is my lesson plan, I want to go back to bed and sleep for like 47 hours until I don't feel sick anymore. Until I don't feel empty inside. Until I know that this is not a fluke. I finally quit feeling like everything would end tomorrow and now I feel like that again. I hate when I second guess my happiness, I think I deserve at least a little bit of it. Why do I always have to ruin the things that make me happy? Why does it have to hurt?

HoHmmm....

So the last few days have been pretty uneventful. I got the death plague and have been in bed for most of the last few days, only to get out of bed to drive to the store and get more medicine. But today I made it to the workday and it was totally worth it. It was awesome to see the kids working hard on their stuff again. Then I was offered the opportunity to go and judge at HFO which I unfortunately had to turn down due to the fact that I feel like total ass and being on no sleep for four day will not help my wellness factor. So I am not going and I am sad, and I am sick and it sucks. Ugh.

A flurry of activity...

Wow, so it has been at least a week since I last posted. In that time I have....
...had a crazy Christmas.
...saw John and his family.
...had a crazy new years eve eve
...had a lame, tired new years eve (not really, just a little uneventful.)
...went shopping with mom and dad
...saw friends from High School, we all felt old.
...chatted with Buddy big dog.
...missed Minnesota.
...spent some amazing quality time with my bestfrienda.
...lost a friend (I don't know why... I can't say I hurt to much about it.)
...gotten excited about school again.
...slept ALOT!
...danced.
...spent time in Minneapolis/St.Paul/Maplewood.
...attended a crazy Christmas party.
...told someone that they have bad technique.
...talked in my sleep about missing tournaments and getting on trains.
...laughed ALOT!
...cried a little.
...celebrated John's 5th Birthday.
...fought with Jezi-Bell.
...cleaned my room, kinda, okay not really.
...caught up on most of my t.v. shows.
...found myself again.
...caught a cold.
...attended a few interesting parties while back in NE.
...sang karaoke.
...made a few slams on persons and their being, but it was funny and I don't really remember it so I claim it to be okay.
...gotten caught.
...been scandalous.
and

remembered why I love home and why I love Minnesota.

So, as you can see it has been a pretty busy few weeks. I loved being home but it was definitely time to get back up to my own apartment, back to my life, back to my someone who was waiting for me. I'm sorry if I didn't get to see you when I was back, I am hoping to make it again before my birthday. I have TONS!! of pictures that I will try to load on here soon but I got a new camera awhile ago and I can't figure out how to do that. But I will try. I am going to try and be productive again but the meds I got are kinda kicking my butt and all I want to do is sleep.

Anyways, peace out, I love you all...

p.s. Happy 4, some of you may know what I mean.