Saturday night ponderings...

It is a Saturday night and I am home, alone sipping on a bottle of Yellow Tail Shiraz thinking about the past few whirlwindish weeks. For those of you who only keep up with my from my blog, I apologize because I have been busy and boring thus having nothing to post about.

I have decided to switch from the M.A. program here to the M.S. program. This decision came about in a way that was not the most pleasant nor non emotional. I had a slight breakdown and seriously contemplated not returning to school in the fall. Granted without education I am not sure what I am but I knew that I was absolutely unhappy with the direction I was going. Instead I went in a chatted it up with my advisor and we decided that maybe the thesis was not what I needed and instead the internship was more what I was looking for in a degree. Now don't get me wrong. I love teaching. I just know that I don't want to do anything more with it than public speaking thus not really finding a need for the entire PhD/teaching experience, I decided that the internship, M.S. is more what I am looking for in this field. It is the same amount of class work, but while everyone is working and fevering over their thesis' I will be going to work. Getting the hands-on experience that I crave.

So that is one thing that has been keeping me up at night. I have also been crazy with traveling this semester and coaching and trying to stay on top on my readings/papers/projects so that I don't have an opportunity to fall behind and stress myself out. This has been a very trying year thus far. I was hoping that I would be able to work some on my own stuff out but instead I find myself falling deeper into the dark hole of my self-deprecating mind and being unable to find the light at the tip, so far the light looks like a little pinprick. But I am working on it. I know that that sounds a little depressing and it is, I do not deny that I need to find my way back to my doctor and get a prescrip. update, but I want to try it on my own and so far it has not been working. I try, really really hard and all that seems to come of my self-sacrificing is hurt. I have tried to be what everyone here wants me to be and all I did was get burned by a very large bonfire in the process.

However, I know that there is nothing I can do to put out the fire. I can't find a bucket, or a hose for water. I just seem to let it burn and hopefully someway that fire will burnout on its own. So I walk away from that fire and pray that nobody else gets burned in the process.
I am not a bad person. I feel like I have the right intentions and when I ask for help it just tosses another log onto the already brightly burning fire. I do not claim nor have I ever claimed to be perfect, but cant we just roast some marshmallows and hot dogs until we are full and giddy with sugar and move on from all of this? I don't know what else to do. I don't even know if I have the energy to start. So fire, keep burning, until you find your way out.

My work as a coach has been delightfully rewarding these days. And my work as an instructor as well. I hope it continues in the right direction as a semester continues.

Well, Saturday night, I suppose it is time to get back to homework. Then maybe cleaning a little so that I can start rearranging my bedroom.

Have a beautiful day, and thanks for sticking this out with me.