I am not dead, just a little busy.

So my absence from blog land has be a long time. I am sorry. Forensics stated and I hit the ground running, without as much as a potty break. So since the 2nd weekend in September, I have been gone. I did have one weekend off in there and another that I traveled back to NE but really, that doesn't count as a weekend off. It feels like I am walking around in this surreal dream land right now. My emotions are getting the best of me and I am stuck, not knowing where to go next. Each new motel looks just like the one that I stayed in last weekend and I started getting states confused. Thanks goodness that last weekend was my last for the semester. Now hopefully I can rest, get caught up, and try to rekindle friendship that have been on the back burner for the last few months.

I received some bad news yesterday that really made me rethink what I am doing here and what my future goals are. Through my tears I tried to come to a realization that this news is not a validation of my capabilities or my ambitions, but it feels like that anyway. my disappointment turned to anger and anger again to tears making those around me wonder what was going on.To add fuel to the fire on the the entire situation, I sat in the office today looking for jobs at places like Target and Starbucks, all while uttering that I will be the only 45 year old barista with a Masters degree still living in Mankato because I can't afford to get out. Meanwhile, I know that this is not true, I am going to get out and move on, and I will find a job, but right now the self-pity is in full force and I have a feeling that it is going to stay that way for awhile. And honestly I don't really care, I think that I have a right to be upset. And to those that have anything to say negatively about my self-pity, all I have to say is "watch it cause I will kick you in the face."

Even though there is a part of my life that is making me really sad right now I have started to explore some other options. One being the possiblility of Ph.D. I don't really know if that is what I want to do straight away but I have been contemplating the thought of taking a few classes here and there so that someday I will have my Ph.D.

So my largest vice in my undergrad was rhetoric. That is not the case anymore. I am in this rhetoric of western thought class right now and I actually find it incredibly exhilarating. I get excited to discuss the material and feel that my papers for this class are the best I have written thus far in my schooling. It is crazy. I am scared by this new found love. I want to do interpersonal but find myself thinking of Fucault, Richards and Ogden, Plato, Cicero and the others that make my mind bend. I find myself seriously analyzing texts and brining in rhetoric and rhetorical thought into my daily conversations. I am not sure what this is about, a new love, something that has me incredibly excited about school, something that is seriously making me consider applying for Ph.D. programs... damn you J.D. for being such a fabulous professor and turning me onto this beautiful art.

I also have been contemplating the idea of taking the GRE and reapplying to Chicago. There is apart of me that is still in love with Psychology. I just don't know if I can leave Char and move to Chicago. I can't afford it for one thing and for two I finally feel like I have found a place to settle and start a real life. I wonder what starting all over will be like, I am nervous and scared for June when I am done here in Mankato and worried that I truly won't find what it is that I am looking for when I leave.

I guess that I will just have to wait and see, I have to suck it up and move on, pretend that I am not crushed inside, work on letting it all go and that I am good enough, and smart enough, and people DO like me.

I promise that I will try to update this more. Hopefully next time, it won't be so depressing. Love to you all.